The Before and After

                                                               

I've recently signed up for unlimited yoga. I can go as many times as I want for $50 a month and it is a three month membership. I completed my first class two days ago and today I have my next class. In the midst of preparing for take two of my attempt at becoming flexible, the notion of taking a before and after photo crossed my mind. Considering I'll be doing this for the next three months, there are bound to be changes in my body that will be worth seeing. The before sitting next to the after would surely be a sight to behold! You should also know that I've done this before. I began a weight loss journey almost three years ago and lost 55 lbs. I am the proud owner of pretty great before and after picture from that one! That being said, the idea of creating the first half of another one of these before and after photos is quite appealing and motivating to me. Yet, as I thought about which outfit would reveal the most change a new thought hit me...
                                                                       
Why are we so drawn to before and after pictures?

Scrolling through Facebook and flipping past commercials, it seems so many of us (myself included) are drawn into the contrast of a good before and after photo shoot. Someone lost 150 lbs, this guy has a full head of hair again, look at this room before and after a $5.75 makeover, a model before photo shop and after, celebrities with makeup and without, or my favorite, the "my acne disappeared overnight" photo. A snapshot like that compares two moments in time of the same person. This is the magic of a before and after picture; somehow the journey with all it's struggle, pain, and persistence, gets wrapped up in one 4x6 color photo.

As I notice the strange phenomenon of comparing one second of ourselves to another, I am struck with how much this craze ignores the journey that commences between the two. Do we even care about that part of the picture or are we too obsessed with what we'll be at the end? Is it far enough from where we started? Isn't the important part the journey? Or is it the end result? Some might feel differently on that point but personally I think the part that matters most is all the seconds in between the dreaded before shot and the candid after. If only we could capture the seconds inside a photograph and all that transforms outside of a simple still image.

I don't think I'll be taking a before and after photo for this particular transformation. I think instead I'll do my best to track the day to day changes within me; the changes beyond the surface, the difference that a photo cannot capture. Maybe it's strength, resilience, determination, or patience but whatever it is, I think I'll point a different lens at myself this time around. A different lens will seek out and challenge everything in-between the before and after. I will strive to embrace each second of the journey instead of culminating everything into frozen image.

It's about each moment not just the one where you start and the one you end up in.

All Things

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You are in all things. All things.

[ Romans 8:28 ]

When I look around the darkness that surrounds me, Yahweh, you are suddenly everywhere-hovering in the cool fog yet somehow I feel incredibly far away from you, here, in this lonely place. Despite the fact that your very breath is beading upon my skin, my heart continues to sink with the earth.
You've ordained this darkness and that is becoming more and more obvious each time my attempt to escape it fails. I can run but I can't hide and I ask myself, "Why run? Why hide? Why not face the darkness that chases me?"

Evertime I try and cling to a light other than your own Lord, it suddenly slips from my grasp like an elusive lightening bug. It hovers away, taunting me as it flashes it's life light asking,

 "Where is yours?" 

It's a dark, cold, and quite forest. I'm paralyzed in waiting. The season of self-salvation is over and my own strength can no longer pick myself up as it seems to have evaporated into the air around me. Now, I need a savior who will come gently in and save me from my slumber.

But, there is first something here in the "all things" that is desperate for me to discover it. So, I'll put my hands by my side and give way to the insane idea that this cold, dark season can actually produce fruit and truth. As the harsh winters of this earth are divinely ordained-this must be too.

Blessed

Isaiah 30:15-18

"In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. 
You said, ' No. We will flee on horses.' Therefore you will flee!
You said, ' We will ride off on swift horses.' Therefore your pursuers will be swift...
Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you, He rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!"

Quiet: hushed, still, motionless, calm, or serene

You tell us where our strength is when the enemy presses in. You tell us our posture and you even call out the instinctive fears within us-flee and flee quickly. You tell us how to be and where salvation is but since this goes 100% against this world and our limited common sense, we flee and we flee quickly. 

In the end, you are still compassionate God and you call those who wait on you

blessed. 

I'll wait on you in trial and pain as a mother waits upon her baby in childbirth. A great blessing is coming-be still and quiet. Do not flee but endure this waiting for those who wait on the Lord are blessed. 

Don't think about how long because that will cause anxiety. Think about your Lord and exist in this difficult place. Let the darkness strengthen you and the agony build your patience like a great wall not easily broken. The refining fire is incredibly painful and will lap up all that should not be. It will burn and burn and only when it's refined everything in its grasp to a soft white dust will it go out. 

Wait. 

Don't douse your refining fire. 

Let it burn. 

The Canopy

      

      I’ve found myself a bench underneath a canopy. Vibrant yellow, red, and orange leaves sway carelessly, illuminating the blue sky. Water drips delicately off each leaf glimmering like a crystal. The fall air is crisp and earthy. The ground is quite after the rain. Everything seems to be inhaling as the storm slips away and the sun chases after it’s shadow. Here I sit. Amidst it all. The give and take of the earth and sky. Observing the inevitable changes that cannot be denied their right.

To sit with an open wound is harshly against human nature, yet, nature itself rests quietly while its flesh is incessantly torn open. Storms rage through its delicacies and frost strangles the color away from its face. There it goes. Letting it all happen. Quietly.

To sit with an open wound is uncomfortable. Thinking about allowing the air to swirl freely inside it, where ever it may please, is discomforting and painful to think about. Letting go of control so desperately sought. The pain lacks consistency and the ache stretches across every crevice. Vulnerability is not something coveted by the strong, yet allowing oneself to be exposed to the elements brings about incredible changes and awe-inspiring beauty. Scars in the land become lush valleys. What is lost, prepares for what is to come. Brokenness is never wasted in nature. Ever. It allows itself to embrace the intricate facets of vulnerability on every level. If only humanity would allow itself to experience this wonder.

So here I sit, on a damp bench underneath a canopy, pressing my palms into the soft aged wood and desperately trying to allow the vulnerability in my chest to breathe in the crisp, earthy air. I'm resisting the urge to throw my arms around myself and cover the brokenness left by the storm. Protect it. I’ll attempt to follow after the trees and make myself available to the great Creator who acknowledges and orchestrates every seed let go from a tree. I’ll allow myself the honor of exposing my vulnerability to the elements and here I’ll sit, anxiously awaiting the changes.

Whisper

Who am I to plan for tomorrow when I cannot safely say what will happen in the next five minutes? We must write in our spiritual calendars with pencil because pen is too painful to erase. You, Oh Lord, often share your most intimate messages through a whisper. A shout overcomes the ears but a whisper penetrates the heart. “Draw near to me and I will draw near to you.” [James 4:8] 

All of our most impactful relations as humans are shared intimately, near and close to each other. To draw near to the Creator of the Universe-so close that the breath of his nostrils is felt against your skin and His whisper can be heard-my soul trembles at the thought. How incredibly unworthy are we. How magnificent Yahweh’s love that He would rather draw us in close with His whisper, near enough to hear His heartbeat, than shout to us from a distance.

Beyond Understanding

[Philippians 4:4-7]

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." 

{Italics added}

Transcend: to rise above or go beyond, outshine

out rival or rank, surpass, exceed, superior to. 

Not peace because of, created by, drawn from, derived of understanding. 

                                                         No. Peace that is greater than understanding. 

                                Greater than. 

Receiving Hands

What is the most incredible present you can ever remember receiving? I'm talking the whole process of receiving this gift was down right awesome. Great wrapping paper, price tag blacked out, batteries included.

I have one answer for this question. I tell it every time I'm asked and I will tell it again. Bear with me.

I think it was Christmas 1999 and the whole family gathered at my aunt's house in Monroe, Michigan. Our family traditionally opens gifts before the meal so the lot of us gathered in the living room and the cousins instinctually sat in a circle around the outskirts of the living room, anxious and excited. Presents were passed out and, following tradition, the youngest gets to open the first gift and it proceeds up to the oldest.

There I sat in my jean dress and white turtle neck get up, eyeing the boxes piled in front of me. This Christmas was far more suspenseful than the seven before it because this Christmas I had asked for the most incredible gift a young girl like myself could ever ask for; an American girl doll. I had every catalog printed as leisurely reading and confidently cleared a space in my room expecting that I would be coming home with Kirsten, the newest and greatest gift to ever enter my realm of belongings.

Falling somewhere in the middle of the age line up, I anxiously fidgeted on the plush green carpet as I awaited the moment my name was called out and permission was given to open my first gift. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, my name was called.

"Kaitlyn, you can open your gift now. Here, open this one first."

My aunt knowingly picked out a long rectangular box and placed it in my lap. This was it people. This was the gift I had been washing dishes for, being "good" for, resisting fighting my brother for, and pining after all year.

The next few moments were somewhat of a blur but family pictures serve as a reminder to the shock and total enthrallment that I experienced when I opened the box and saw Kirsten inside. If you've seen The Lion King and are familiar with the opening scene in which Symba is lifted up by Rafiki over all the animal kingdom, then you also have an accurate picture of me lifting my new doll high above my eye-rolling, totally disinterred cousins. Tears of joy rolled down my face and I was lost in the excitement. In fact, I was so distracted that everyone else had opened another gift and it was already back to me. Sitting behind me, my mother nudged me that it was yet again my turn. I suddenly became torn. I loved this one so much I was quite content to stop right where I was. Besides, no other gift could compare to this one (my apologies family but it was a hard gift to top). I didn't want to put it down to open another one. With some coaxing, I gingerly sat Kirsten right next to me and picked out the next gift. Long story short, the remaining presents consisted of a myriad of accessories for my new doll, including bedroom furniture and an entire wardrobe, all of which enhanced the greatness of Kirsten.

I tell this story not to bore you or suggest that I may have had the most epic gift receiving experience ever created by one family. I share it because I hope to point out a beautiful truth that applies to both Christmas morning and the far more complicated nuances of life. The simple truth is this:

Only empty hands can receive. 

In life we accept gifts in all different shapes and sizes; relationships, jobs, things, dreams, desires. Most anything can be viewed as a gift. Even the breath entering your lungs this very moment is a gift. Yet the only way to take the next breath is to empty your lungs of the one it's holding onto. In the same way, we must empty our hands of the current blessing in order to accept the next. I loved that doll so intensely and to put her down and even consider opening something else was entirely too difficult for my seven year old self to fathom. Little did I know that every gift after that would only make having her better. If I had never opened the remaining gifts, my doll would have had one outfit and zero accessories. If you are familiar with dolls, half the fun is in the accessories!

Whether it is a relationship that has been involuntarily broken, a job suddenly lost, a dream left to die, or expectations of any kind, all these things that were once blessings must be let go (whether we like it or not) and hands emptied in order to fully embrace and accept the next blessing. This process by no means intends to forget or diminish the beauty and blessing of the gift let go, but is done in faith and remembrance that the next one will only enhance it.

I have no idea where you're at in life right now or what you need to let go of. Maybe it's a new job and you're hesitant that it won't meet your expectations. Maybe you've lost something or someone and your staring at your empty hands in despair and bitterness fearing they will never be held by another ever again. I'll give you the naked truth about where I am. My hands have been painfully emptied of a great deal this year only to be filled with the hopeful promise of what is to come. The only way I can receive what is coming is to faithfully put down what I am clinging to and audactiously open my hands up to God in humble dependence that He will not send me away empty handed. I choose to trust that He will continue to build upon the great things He has begun in my life. I only need to let go of my timing, expectations, and desires, and adopt His.

In the end, it all comes down to this; Do you know about the One who gives the gift? He is good and faithful [Psalm 86:15]. His love is mind blowing [1 John 3:1] and He simply will not leave you or forsake you [Deuteronomy 31:6]. If you trust in the being, not the blessing, of the One who gives good gifts then, in faith, let go of what you're holding on to and know that what is to come can only be received by empty hands.

"If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

[Matthew 7:11]

The Seventh Day Promise

A good friend asked me how I keep my peace in times of turmoil. I pondered for a moment and decided that the "peace" I have been keeping lately is an awful lot like the peace Joshua may have kept as he marched around Jericho. Merriam Webster says that peace is a state in which there is no war or fighting;
       a state of tranquility or quite;
                       freedom from disquieting and oppressive thoughts and emotions...

Despite popular assumptions, peace must not be confused with the sensation of comfort or the lack of any physical/emotional unpleasantness. The distinction being that peace can make company with discomfort. It is freedom from oppressive and unpleasant thoughts/emotions not the absence of them. 

I bet myself a good cup of coffee that Joshua was most likely uncomfortable as he marched around that city. He risked looking like a fool for his cause on a daily basis and Jericho, being a fortified superpower, could put a stop to his little parade at any moment. I'm sure unpleasant thoughts marched around his brain at a startling speed and the last thing he found was an inner sense of tranquility. I could be wrong, but I would also bet an even better cup of coffee that Joshua had peace; a God given peace. What's the difference? 

A promise.

"No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous! See, I have delivered Jericho into your hands, along with it's king and its fighting men. March around the city once with all the armed men. Do this for six days...On the seventh day, march around the city seven times, with the priests blowing the trumpets. When you hear them sound on a long blast, have all the people give a shout; the wall of the city will collapse and the people will go up, every man straight in."

[Joshua 1:5-6, 6:2-5]

Talk about a pep talk! I'm sure this was a promise that Joshua clung to day one through six and on the seventh day until the very last man stopped shouting. But what about day one through seven into that final hour? What a spiritual battle it must have been! Raging thoughts of "Are you there God? Will you show up? Are you sure? Seven whole days? Why not two days?!" I would have to assume that he did find freedom from such thoughts as he faithfully obeyed the Lords command and (spoiler alert!) those walls came a tumbling down! I know what I would be repeating in my head if I were him, "Seventh day, seventh day, seventh day!" How did he do it? How did this man faithfully wait on the Lord and accomplish an impossible task? By the peace of the seventh day promise and a rigid trust in the God who gave it to him. 

So, how do I keep my peace? I remember the promises I've been given and I cling to them. Like Joshua and the seventh day promise, I cling to a God who has promised and is faithful [Hebrews 10:22-23]. It doesn't feel good. In fact, my peace is in unfortunate company with discomfort and pain on a regular basis but a God given peace surpasses all understanding and provides freedom not a hall pass. It is based on something greater than what is merely possible and to have freedom something must exist to be freed from.

I know what wall I'm walkin around but I don't know what city your marching towards. What I do know, and cling to nearly every minute, is that God made a promise and I will hold on until the seventh day. Letting go and giving up in the last hour would be an unbearable tragedy. 

"I am confident of this; I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord." 

[Psalm 27:13-14]

"I will wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchman wait of the morning, more than watchman wait for the morning."

[Psalm 130:5-6]

"When the trumpets sounded, the people shouted, and at the sound of the trumpet, when the people gave a loud shout, the wall collapsed; so every man charged straight in..."

[Joshua 6:20]

[Tel Jericho]

[Jericho, Israel:The place where the wall used to stand.]

[Tel Jericho]

Into the Wind

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I am two days away from running my first 10k. On Saturday May 3rd, I will bring full circle two and a half months of rigorous training. I am so looking forward to beating 6.3 miles to a sweaty pulp. That being said, I discovered something new today as I fit in one of my last required 3.5 mile runs. 

About a mile into my run, what was a refreshing breeze quickly transformed into a 25 mile hour wind. That may not sound like a lot but next time your driving around the neighborhood stick your head out the window and consider running in it. Conveniently for me, the wind also chose to charge against me rather than with me for approximately 2.5 miles of my 3.5 mile run. There were many moments in which I considered slowing down to a walk since the wind was already insisting I do so. I began to get extremely frustrated with this invisible obstacle and shamelessly pouted at God for His poor choice of wind placement today. But I pushed on with positive encouragement's of "You can do this! Food! You get to eat food after this!" and "Just keep running. Don't stop. The wind has to die down eventually." 

As I approached my last mile, my positive thinking began to wind down (haha). Now not only was the wind fiercely pushing against my body but it was stealing the air right out of my mouth! (Again, stick your head out the car window and try breathing!) I challenged myself in that moment, "What is right with this picture? Where is the positive in this?" (A novel concept I just read up on in the book Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On by Stormie Omartian, chapter 8) In less than a second, I was confronted with a brand new perspective. While the wind seemed to be a hinderance to my running, it was actually a tool that strengthened it. I thought the wind was wrong when in all actuality it was right. Running into the resistance full speed, my body adjusted to a new level of difficulty ensuring that when the wind did change directions I would be stronger for it. Sure enough, as I turned the corner and approached 3.3 miles the wind changed directions (as it always does) and I found myself gliding along putting up a personal record.

Can you see the parallel? In this life, we will have troubles [John 16:33] and there will be times of intense resistance where the darkness seems to punch the air right out of your throat. We have a choice. Stop running, give up, and walk along defeated, pouting at uncontrollable circumstances. Or we can search for a new perspective in the midst of chaos asking, "What is good? What is right? How can this help me?" and run full force into adversity. We will be stronger for it. To embrace a defeated complacency when facing difficulty will only ensure that a greater strength is forfeited and victory will be infinitely more difficult to claim next time around. 

I know it's hard, trust me, but when the trials of this world seem to be against you, look for how they might be for you and keep running. The wind will change directions eventually and when it does, if you've been persistent in running through it, you'll find yourself gliding along, conquering invisible obstacles.

"I would have lost heart, unless I believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."

[Psalm 27:13]

To embrace a defeated complacency when facing difficulty will only ensure that a greater strength is forfeited and victory will be infinitely more difficult to claim next time around.

Straddling the Line

There is place between good and evil, light and dark, desperation and hope. In this place, there is a choice to be made. It is impossible to straddle the line between good and evil, light and dark, desperation and hope, and exist at peace with anything. One over the other at any given moment. It's a choice to be had when straddling the line. Which side to dwell? In the light? Or the dark?

Depth. Depth Happens.

| April 21st, 2014 Journal |

My question remains; why and how come? If He knew all the misery that would come to be-why even bother creating the world? Is it because He also knows the glory?

It goes like this. You have a child whom you love very, very much. Enough to die for. This child is destined for something so great and unimaginable it can barely be contained in the mind. But because of the laws of the natural world-namely sin and death- your child must go through hardships now to obtain this great life. You-being the parent-can see the pay off and know it will be worth it so you allow the struggles, temptations, and hardships. You remove them from their bubble of innocence and ignorance and allow them to walk the thorny path. Close to them you remain- ever so close for leaving them would be a greater pain. When they stumble and fall, you are there to tend their wounds and pick them up-never stepping over the line to deter the pain so much so that the glory at the end will be tainted.When they cry- you cry. When they scream out in anger-of course you listen. When they turn back, you turn them around for you know that these sufferings are only temporary and the glory to come will be worth all the pain.

When sin entered the world- God's palette of chosen colors drastically changed. What was once void of anything dark now became tainted by the stains of black. Rather than paint with pastels and vibrant true colors-shades of black and gray were dumped into the mix. Surely a disaster to destroy such pure pigments of color...but not when you're an artist-the Artist none the less. Not that humanity before sin was by any means dull or void of depth and meaning, on the contrary- a true pigment of color cannot be compared to a blend of shades and hues. But now there is darkness in the color and perfection is lost to it's overbearing tone.

Tell me-what happens when you add darkness to light?

Depth. Depth happens. Contrast. Dare I say, a picture can often be made more beautiful when shadows are introduced. It becomes so realistic and rich. 

I often wonder why-how-could God allow this darkness to taint His perfect palette. Why even begin painting? He saw and still sees the big picture. He knows the depth it has and the magnificent story it creates. 

For a God so holy and so perfect to willingly create a world in which He knows darkness will invade-His bright, beautiful, and perfect creation tainted- for Him to still create and begin painting, surely the darkness has a purpose.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained."
[ Philippians 3:12-16]

#GonnaRuna10K

Somewhere around the end of February, I made a bold decision to run a 10k on May 3rd. Now, this is indeed a bold decision as I am not an avid runner. I want to be! I think it's kind of cool (yet I look anything but cool in my prime running stance). I even paid the fee up front to ensure my particiaption. "Now I have to do it," I thought. Whether I'm ready or not is totally my decision. 

After only a month and a half of training, I have learned a great deal about myself. I'll humor you with some examples.

1.) I discovered the inside of my ears sweat. (This is highly inconvenient when wearing head phones.)
2.) If I can't breathe I end up snorting. (I know you want to be my running buddy now...)
3.) I tend to lose my balance at least once every mile and consequently end up kicking myself.
4.) I tend to run faster and more efficiently without music. 
5.) I get blisters on the same two toes. Every time. It's awful. I can literally expect to get a blister there. 
6.) Sometimes I honestly hate running. Most of the time, I love it.

While I will spare you the rest of my obnoxious physical oddities, I feel obligated to share another discovery with you; the relationship between training for a race and training spiritually. *Note: For those of you who know me (and those who don't) I am a walking metaphor machine. I could probably create a metaphor out of a dust ball. That being said, I could write a libraries worth about the metaphors between running a 10k and running the good race [Hebrews 12:1-2]. But, to spare all of the librarians out there, I hope to enlighten you to just three of the parallels I have discovered about training up for a race (not just the race itself) and training up the soul. 

1 [The Challenge]

Ah yes. The challenge I have so readily discovered is that the biggest obstacle does not lie in the training itself, rather in gaining the ability to get off my tush and actually begin. 

Most days I look at my training plan, read the designated miles, and groan. I know once I get going it will be well worth it, I'll feel better, and I'll be one step closer to the race. It's just a matter of getting going. 

This same groan of laziness and dismay is often echoed through the chamber halls of our faith and to our Divine trainer. Dwelling in the word, praying, resting, worshipping, church going. Yes, all these things will serve to better the soul if only the motivation could be mustered to accomplish it! Allow me to challenge you in the faith as Nike+ has challenged me in running. Put your spiritual running shoes on, hike up those spanx (not too high though), get that dry-wick gear wicking, and JUST DO IT. I can't tell you how many runs I have begun only to realize halfway through the dissatisfaction of beginning was long gone. Wait not upon the moment of which you "feel" like reading the bible or talking with the Lord but challenge yourself to get out there and do the task of faith.

[Jeremiah 29:13] 

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

2 [The Temptation]

I know your'e probably wondering how there could possibly be a temptation in the practice of running. Let me tell you, there is, and to give in could destroy you before the starting line. 

In my first two weeks of training, I was putting up one to three miles a day. While it may seem like a small task now, it was daunting at the time. In my curiosity, I scrolled to week 5 and noticed that I was scheduled for a 7.5 mile run. I was barely crawling out of two miles and one day I would have to run 7.5 miles?! The temptation was to call it quits right then and there. My inadequacy was glaring at my jello feeling legs screaming, "You'll never be able to do that!" Now, the thing I love about the Nike+ running app (cue my shameless plug), is that it breaks down each run into bite size pieces making it far more manageable. For example, a five mile run may consist of running two miles, walking one, running one, and so on. Each run has a specific regimen to follow in order to truly be ready for the big runs. Unless the small runs are accomplished and the wisdom of each mile is heeded, surely 7.5 miles would be a daunting impossibility. 

*Update: I just ran the dreaded 7.5 miles yesterday. It was great.

The temptation to fear what is to come in life is no stranger to those who are raising up a faith in Christ. The Lord told us we would experience trouble of all kind in this world [John 16:33]. News flash, He can't lie. That pretty much get's rid of the "if" there is going to be trouble and replaces it with a "when". If we allow the fear and unknown of what is to come cripple us before it is even here, how then can we continue to put our faith in the current day and complete the training at hand? Do not look forward to the time frame of pain and suffering and allow it to mock your current state of faith. Just as training for a marathon is completed day by day, so does the Lord ready His children for the trouble that will come to pass. Trust the training. Be strong and courageous was His commandment [Joshua 1:9]. One mile at a time.

[Matthew 6:34]

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

3 [The Treasure]

There is a great and awesome treasure to be found in running (no, it's not weight loss). Sometimes this treasure can be confused with a curse but when looked at with a new perspective the value is unavoidably obvious. 

The treasures to be gained in running can only be obtained through sweat, pain, leg cramps, loads of time, and the occasional blister (or frequent repeat blisters in my case). Days of training must be completed and thorough stretching is a must. Easy, smooth going, and pleasant are rarely used to describe this process. You are a rare human if you can pop up off the couch and run a 10k with ease. Training is hard work and all too required for success. Despite these difficulties, each time I get out there to run I discover a new treasure. 

| Endurance | Patience | Commitment | Joy | Runners High | The giant meal you get to eat after (shamelessly)| Fresh Air | Strength | Tolerance | Stamina | Persistence | Space to think, pray, listen to music | 

Such treasures can only be obtained through the toil and pain of worth while training.

If you've ever entered the domains of social media or the internet you are most likely familiar with the reality that life is flat out not fair, it's totally hard, and sometimes you just can't "keep calm" because YOLO. In spite of life's sometimes disastrous ways, we are given a challenge each and every day in how we choose to train our mind, body, and soul. If we choose to train by indulging in heaps of shallow pleasures and sit back as our souls deteriorate under the wrath of complacency, fear, and doubt, we can expect the consequences to be unpleasant. In contrast, if we heed the wise advice of our Trainer (that would be Jesus), the unfortunate realities of this life become dull rocks compared to the treasures we store up for ourselves in heaven [Matthew 6:20]. Such treasures can only be obtained through the refining fire of uncertainties and discrepancies. 

| Endurance | Patience | Commitment | Joy | Thankful worship | Heaven (forgiven) | Breath of Life | Strength | Tolerance | Stamina | Persistence | Space to think, pray, listen to music | 

Training can be seen as a curse or a treasure. The difference is how you participate. 

[1 Peter 1:7]

These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

[2 Peter 1:5-9]

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins. Therefore, my brothers and sisters, make every effort to confirm your calling and election. For if you do these things, you will never stumble, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

1-800-CONTROL

Wouldn't it be nice to be in control?
You always know what's coming and what has passed. There are no surprises and anxiety would be at an all time low.

It sounds absolutely delightful...until you realize what is being sacrificed.

Gaining control means a sacrifice of trust in God and in others. When we gain control of something we trust ourselves and our abilities (I don't know about you but I'm screwed). For example, when we are in control of a car, we know right where we are going. Yet, when we are in someone else's car we tend to be a little more on edge. We find ourselves double checking to see if the road is clear, we check over our shoulder when changing lanes. 

Our trust in others seems to be significantly lacking.
Our trust in God is obviously lacking.

Once we have obtained our perception of control the idea of losing it becomes terrifying. The questions soon rage...

"What if something awful happens?! What if?! What if?! what if?!"

A good, dear friend of mine told me that the "what if" quesiton is like a mosquito bite. When you itch it, it only gets worse and worse until it's bleeding and infected. We have to make friends with the "what if" and apply the truth of the Lord onto it's heat.

The truth of the Lord is this...

"I will be with you until the very end of the age. I know the plans I have for you. Plans to give you hope and a future, not to harm you. No eye has seen, no ear has hear what the Lord has planned for those who love him."

I Can't See

Trust. 

What an infinitely complex and ridiculously unavoidable part of life.

Quickly broken, but stubbornly strong.




                   Trust is almost always blind and it rarely feels good.

It gropes around in the unknown because it seeks more than what it can immediately touch. Trust longs for what has yet to come and whole heartedly believes that the Great Creator is orchestrating this song called life. Trust searches blindly but it is always expectant of hope and directed by faith.

Trust. What an incredible ability God has gifted humanity with, yet it can be one of the most lethal poisons when broken.

Even though sin separated us from God and He new He could never trust us to save ourselves, our trust in Him has had no reason to change. He is still in the garden, waiting for us to return white as snow. He never left that place of intimancy with us. Jesus has never loved us more.

Trust is rarely gained by way of results, but throughout the entirety of the journey.

Shadows

Oh God, where is your glory?

See the darkness, how will you re-write such a story?

Oh God, where is your glory?

Oh God, where is your mighty hand?

See the fallen in this land.

Oh God, where is your mighty hand?

Oh God, where is your peace?

There is greater chaos than the sea.

Oh, God where is your peace?

Oh God, where is your healing?

Can't you see how the pain is reeling. 

Oh God, where is your healing?

My God, my God, when will you redeem life from death?

My God, my God, there is no rest.

My God, my God, when will you redeem life from death?

- - -

See here my child, I am working in the shadows.

Hold on to me and follow.

See here my child, I am working in the shadows.

Surrendering Isaac

{press play}

That place. That place that Abraham was brought to. Oh the great, great sorrow he must have felt. 

  * * *

"Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, “Abraham!”

“Here I am,” he replied.

² Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.”

³ Early the next morning Abraham got up and loaded his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. ⁴ On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. ⁵ He said to his servants, “Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you.”

6 Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, ⁷ Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, “Father?”

“Yes, my son?” Abraham replied.

“The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?”

⁸ Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And the two of them went on together.

⁹ When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. ¹⁰ Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. ¹¹ But the angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!”

“Here I am,” he replied.

¹² “Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.”

¹³ Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. ¹⁴ So Abraham called that place The Lord Will Provide. And to this day it is said, 

“On the mountain of theLord it will be provided.”

¹⁵ The angel of the Lord called to Abraham from heaven a second time ¹⁶ and said, 

“I swear by myself, declares the Lord, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, ¹⁷ I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, ¹⁸ and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me.”

* * *

I like how A.W. Tozer puts it in his book, " The Pursuit of God".

"The sacred writer spares us a close-up of the agony that night on

the slopes near Beersheba when the aged man had it out with his God, but

respectful imagination may view in awe the bent form and convulsive

wrestling alone under the stars. Possibly not again until a Greater than

Abraham wrestled in the Garden of Gethsemane did such mortal pain visit

a human soul. If only the man himself might have been allowed to die.

That would have been easier a thousand times, for he was old now, and to

die would have been no great ordeal for one who had walked so long with

God. Besides, it would have been a last sweet pleasure to let his

dimming vision rest upon the figure of his stalwart son who would live

to carry on the Abrahamic line and fulfill in himself the promises of

God made long before in Ur of the Chaldees."

-A.W. Tozer, Chapter 2  "The Blessedness of Possessing Nothing"

* * *

Have you an Isaac? Have you something so precious in your heart that it has dethroned the Sovereign Lord from His rightful place? A thing, dream, person, or desire? Something so dear to you that it would be better to die than to lose it? 

I will be honest with you friend (because that's what electrifies life- raw vulnerability), 

I have been asked to sacrifice my Isaac. I have been asked to lay him upon the Lord's alter and oh, the pain. The pain. I can imagine Abraham writhing in the desert for I am there with him; knees weak, stomach overturned, heart wrenching and bursting in agony. There is no pain so great as to lose what is most precious to you. 

Nothing. 

I am in that place on the mountain side. Looking over Isaac-bound with sin-asking me through salty, sharp tears, "WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!"

There is great and unimaginable sorrow that fills your heart when your dreams ask you that question, when the Lord asks you to surrender your greatest desire so that it is no longer yours, but His.

 The human heart simply cannot understand. 

I cannot tell you yet of the great blessings that will follow this sacrafice. I cannot yet tell you of how the Lord provided but HE WILL and when he does friends, I cannot wait to tell you about it. Not for my sake, but for yours. 

Until then, I leave you with my only hope, the hope I cling to, the hope Abraham threw his entire soul into, the hope I will rest every ounce of my being in because I can do nothing else. Hear my words, I will not die on this mountain side as the sorrow beckons me too. 

I will not give up but I will surrender.

The Lord gives good things to those who trust in Him, to those who quietly wait for salvation who love Him. Good things! No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind can imagine these good things! None! That is how freaking good they are. 

The Lord has a PERFECT plan with PERFECT timing because He is PERFECT. 

The Lord will provide. He has too. He promised and He is faithful.
The Lord knows what I need, and believe it or not, that is greater than what I want.

That is where I try and find my peace on this mountainside, deeply mourning over Isaac. He is the Lord's now, not mine. Do not hear me denying the pain. There is no darkness like it. Only those who have experienced it, know of it. Yet, there is somehow beauty in this chaos.

"God let the suffering old man go through with it up to the point where

He knew there would be no retreat, and then forbade him to lay a hand

upon the boy. To the wondering patriarch He now says in effect, "It's

all right, Abraham. I never intended that you should actually slay the

lad. I only wanted to remove him from the temple of your heart that I

might reign unchallenged there. I wanted to correct the perversion that

existed in your love. Now you may have the boy, sound and well. Take him

and go back to your tent. Now I know that thou fearest God, seeing that

thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son, from me."

Then heaven opened and a voice was heard saying to him, "By myself have

I sworn, saith the Lord, for because thou hast done this thing, and hast

not withheld thy son, thine only son: that in blessing I will bless

thee, and in multiplying I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the

heaven, and as the sand which is upon the sea shore; and thy seed shall

possess the gate of his enemies; and in thy seed shall all the nations

of the earth be blessed; because thou hast obeyed my voice."

-A.W. Tozer "The Pursuit of God"

  We find truth and hope in who God is
     not the mystery of what He allows. 

He is good. He is love. His love never fails.


When the pain twists inside me, I will scream this truth with every breath of my lungs. 

"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. 
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. you anoint my head with oil; MY CUP OVERFLOWS. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
Psalm 23:1-6